Preparing Your Kids For Your Home Birth

Photo courtesy jacie lee almira photography

One of the great things about home birth is that it is a family-centered event. A new family member is welcomed into the “community” of your family, allowing all of your family members to participate in welcoming the baby to the family. While older family members know and understand how babies are born and have some idea about what to expect during the birth, younger siblings may need some preparation. I believe it is impossible to prepare a child for the possibility of every sort of thing that happens at a birth, but I do believe that laying a foundation of knowledge and healthy attitudes about birth will go a long way towards making it a positive experience for the sibling, as well as easing the transition from expectant to new family.

Does Your Child Want to Be There? The first thing to consider when thinking about having children at your birth is whether your child wants to be there. If the child truly does not want to be at the birth, forcing the issue isn’t going to make it a positive experience. Younger siblings may not have a preference, but older siblings may have very definite ideas about whether they want to be a part of it. This is especially true of teens. If your child has strong feelings either way, those feelings should be taken into consideration.

Do You Really Want Your Child to Be There? Next, consider whether you want to have your child at the birth. Just because your child can be at the birth, doesn’t mean you should have your child at the birth. Will you be able to relax and feel uninhibited if your child is there? Will you feel like you need to take care of your child’s needs if she/he is there? There is a reason why midwives often say mothers go into labor after their older children go to bed. It is hard for mothers to relax enough to go into labor and birth a new baby if they feel like their other children need them.

Photo courtesy of jacie lee almira photography

Who Will Care For Your Child During the Birth? Finally, who will care for your child during the birth? Even if you plan to have your child at the birth, someone (other than you and your partner) needs to be tasked with being in charge of taking care of your child’s needs during the birth. If you have several children, consider having more than one childcare helper. Caregivers should be people who are not attached to the idea of being there at the moment of birth in case your child needs to be taken out of the room. The caregiver should be prepared to leave if your child wants to, not trying to convince your child to stay so she can watch the birth. Your child’s caregiver needs to understand that she/he is “on call” 24/7 during the approximately 5 week period surrounding your due date (3 weeks before, 2 weeks after), and needs to be ready to drop everything in order to be there for your child. Your child’s caregiver should be someone she/he is familiar with and enjoys being with. It is a good idea to take time to educate this person about home birth, natural childbirth, etc. so they know what to expect. Make sure he/she is familiar with your routines, where things are in the house, knows how to use your child’s car seat, and can change diapers (if applicable).

Preparing your child for the birth

• Read age appropriate books about birth. My favorite is Welcome With Love

•  (also known as Hello Baby), by Jenni Overend. Another great book is I Watched my Brother Being Born: Including Children At Birth

• by Anne Vondruska. Other favorites are Mama Midwife: A Birth Adventure

• , What’s Inside?

• , and Baby on the Way.

• Talk about the process. Look at still photos of births and explain what is happening.

• Watch birth videos. Be sure to watch the video first so you can guide your child through it when you watch it together (“Hear how the mommy is growling like a bear? When our baby is born, mommy might make sounds like that too”). Start with movies that don’t have close-up shots of the baby crowning or of blood. Once your child has a basic understanding of what happens at a birth, you may want to try some videos with close up shots, but try to not focus on that part as much.

• Practice making labor sounds together. One way to do this is to practice while doing your pelvic rocks or while sitting in the bathtub together. Talk about how you might spend some time in the water or on your hands and knees and making a lot of noise. See if your child can make noises too. Keep it lighthearted and make it fun.

• Talk about good blood and good pain. Explain that you’ll be working really hard and that it might be painful, but that you’re safe and that pain is part of the work you’ll be doing. Explain that you might bleed, but that the bleeding is good blood — you’re not bleeding because you’re hurt. Talk about the placenta and how it looks like a piece of meat and how meat is bloody.

• Talk about how you’ll be working really hard. Show them videos of people doing hard work — weight lifters, marathon runners, etc. — and show them how when you’re working really hard you sweat, grunt, and yell, but that it is OK.

• Include your child in your prenatal appointments. Let him/her listen to the baby, help take your blood pressure, and help measure the baby.

• Show them another newborn so they understand the new baby will not be an instant playmate.

• Talk to your child about what the baby will look like. Explain vernix and the umbilical cord.

• Let him/her pick out a present for the baby.

• Think about what your kids might want to do during the birth.

• Buy a disposable or digital camera for him/her to use.

• Fill a backpack with special things they can use during the birth — some ideas are a CD player with headphones, snacks, coloring books, a new box of crayons, a new video, etc. Whatever you choose, make it something very special and set it aside to use ONLY at the birth.

• Give your child a job if she/he is old enough — cutting the cord, putting on the first diaper, dressing the baby, measuring the baby, helping with the newborn exam, photographer, videographer, announce the baby’s gender, etc.

• Plan to have your child help bake and decorate a birthday cake with their caregiver while you’re in labor.

What Mothers Say…Everyone’s experience of having their older children at their home birth is different, just as every child, every family, and every birthing woman is different, but here are the thoughts of some women, in their own words:

“I remember crying when she grabbed my hand, just because it was the sweetest moment. I’m so very glad she was there.”

“A. was (almost) 4. I had great help but I wish I had designated a person to take care of her and only her. She was a little too much sometimes during the tougher parts of labor. And she fell asleep right before I delivered so she didn’t even get to see the best part:)”

“S. was home with us. She was originally going to go to daycare but came home the previous day not feeling well and by the time I was in active labor it would have been a hassle to have someone take her. She played her recorder for me during contractions, brought me bath toys for my birth pool, and was by my side with her Papa and Aunt as E. emerged. She was a good supervisor of the birth! The only part she didn’t watch was delivering the placenta. We got the book “Babies Don’t Eat Pizza” for her to explain about a sibling joining the family. She was nearly 3 at the time so I don’t think she fully grasped all that was happening. We just let her go with the flow. It was important that my mom and sister were there to help keep her occupied and busy during the slower parts of labor and to reassure her that everything was okay when I was moaning through contractions. In hindsight I’m so glad she was there and a part of the experience. I’m excited for her to experience her brother’s birth this July. It will be more meaningful since she is older.”

“My home birth was so fast and in the middle of the night that my 4-year-old and 1.5-year-old slept right through it!! (I’m just glad you made it there in time! :)). My MIL was there just in case they woke up and I figured if they were interested in coming in they were welcome to.”

“I wanted my almost-3 year old there, but my husband didn’t and my parents offered to take him, so the decision was kind of made to veto my wishes. Which sucked. Even worse, I had the baby early enough in the day that they could have brought my older one back down before rush hour, but they refused. So they didn’t meet until the baby was 19 or 20 hours old and that made me sad. Also, since my oldest had never slept anywhere but home, he had had a tearful bedtime the night before. It’s the only unhappy part of my second birth (accidental waterbirth with no intentional pushing and only 7 hours since my water broke – lovely!)”

“My kids came in after my youngest 2 were born. Loved getting to see the baby so soon. Loved having me at home. A beautiful experience all around, both times.”

“Here’s a quote from my son M., age 6, when asked what he thought about his sister’s birth, ‘It looked like a bocce ball coming out of your privates.’ ”

“For my third birth, we had both of our older children there. It wasn’t planned that way, but that’s how it happened. It was a very long, difficult labor but the children were able to take care of themselves for the most part. My oldest kept complaining that I was too loud and he didn’t want to hear my “dog moaning” (that’s what he called labor noises, lol). I wish I had a doula for that birth just so I would have known the children were being taken care of and I could focus more. For my fourth, the other three were there until about an hour before she was born. It was in the middle of the night, though. My oldest was very encouraging and I remember him saying ‘you’ve got this, mom’ during some hard contractions. My advice would be that if you want your children there, make sure you have additional support for them and for yourself.”

Older siblings welcoming new baby.

“I can’t imagine birthing without the other kids at home. I always have 2 people here to tend to them and 2 for me, in addition to my husband and the midwives. If I need them out of the room during parts of the labor, I just say so, but they have been there for the last 3 births as baby came. It’s a moment of wonder and amazement that imprints on them as much as it imprints on us as the parents. I am tickled that my 9 year old tells me she remembers her 7 year old sister’s birth. What a special bond for them!”

“My older kids were not interested in being in the room when the younger siblings were born. They had their own parties together if they weren’t sleeping and were perfectly content to meet the new little one after she was born! We never expected them to “witness” the birth, it was relaxed and up to them.”

“An older sibling who witnessed her brother’s birth told me years later that the experience helped her not get pregnant as a teenager because it made clear what it meant to have a baby.”

“I was unable to find childcare when baby #3 came along, so I was somewhat prepared for the kids to be underfoot during my home birth. But they slept right through it, and in the moment, I was really glad. I think it would have been hard for me to stop parenting and focus on the task at hand.”

“I watched 5 of my siblings be born at home starting when I was 13. From what I remember mom just warned us about the sounds she would make. It was great for me to see what a normal birth looked like and prepared me to not be afraid when I had my own.”

“My two older boys were 6 & 4 when their brother was born, and they were great at the birth! We watched videos and talked a lot about it, leading up to the birth. They were so excited when they woke up to find me in labor and the whole team at our house.”

“When S. was born, J. acted like it was a great big deal to look away from her Lego project to see the baby slide out. “Other things to do, more impressive.” When our youngest was born (footling breech), S. walked in as she slid out (he was 3 1/2). My husband said, “Sit down right there and be quiet.” First and only time he heard such a command and actually followed it. Later, when asked what he saw, his reply was, “I walked into the room and, PLOP, the baby fell right out of Mom’s vagina.” Right. I don’ t think our children were traumatized. But they were well-prepared and knew what to expect.”

“I was down on all fours rocking back and forth. A. was roaming, coming in and out and helping her dad get everything ready (baby boy was a week early). Well, when she walked in and saw me on all fours she exclaimed “Horsey” and ran and jumped on my back mid contraction which as you can imagine was not exactly good timing. My husband was able to quickly help her down before her “horsey” turned into a bucking bronco. Needless to say, we laugh about it now but that was one thing we were not prepared for and to be honest at 2.5 years old I guess we didn’t anticipate how she might take some of the different birthing positions and sounds. So maybe even to run through those ahead of time so kids have a reference point and know what Mommy is doing. She also was very upset hindsight by the afterbirth process. I felt like our approach was so natural and didn’t consider how she might view it because we saw it as such a natural process assuming she would too. For a while after I think she was very scared and hesitant around me because she was confused about that process. I am sure that varies from kid to kid as each is very different but at 2.5 I think in hindsight if she could have not seen that part she would have been just fine. She does however proudly tell everyone still to this day that she got to make her brother’s belly button.”

From a midwife: “I’ll never forget at a home birth that I attended… After the birth and golden hour were past, the four year old sister of the new baby came bounding into the bedroom and leaped up on her mother’s bed. ‘MOM!’ She exclaimed, ‘I didn’t know you could do THAT!’ IT WAS PRICELESS! … 10 year old brother, sitting at dining room table with me after the birth, while I was charting… I asked him, ‘So what do you think?’ He paused, thinking… ‘Well,’ he said, ‘It was cool and gross and amazing all at the same time! I think…. I think I handled it pretty well! I did good!’ PRICELESS… I’ll never forget those kids!”

From Kim’s perspective:I’ve been to a lot of births where the siblings have been present. For my own home births, having my children at their younger siblings births was a very positive experience. Parents often ask me if their child is old enough or if I think it is a good idea if their child is at the birth of their new baby. There really isn’t any way to know with 100% certainty how it will go, but if the child has a good support person, and if the family is open and speaks positively about what to expect at the birth, I feel like even very young children can do well. It really is something each individual family needs to decide for themselves. Sometimes, if you think being present at the actual moment of birth isn’t the most ideal situation, bringing the kids back to meet the new baby shortly after the birth can be a good compromise. However you do it, the most important thing is that it be a positive experience for you and your family.